The Ultimate Stoner Grocery List
SCENARIO: You’re at the grocery store. You’ve already filled your basket with the stuff you actually need, but now it’s time for some more goodies. The stuff you don’t need to live, but pairs nicely with that blunt you’ve been saving. The extracurriculars.
But there’s a whole grocery store full of stuff in front of you. How could you possibly know what you need? Well, we’re here for you, and we want to help.
The Extended Plays: Snack Pack Pudding Cups
These guys are 90% nostalgia, but you know what else is 90% nostalgia? The old episodes of Darkwing Duck you’re watching as you savor your brand new vape pen. Snack Packs come in large quantities too, so you can get nostalgic allllllllll week long.
The “How Did I Not Know About These” Ones: Popcorners
You’ve probably missed these miracle snacks somehow; perhaps they don’t sell them at your local grocery store, or perhaps you thought they were the same thing as Popchips, or perhaps you live under a rock and wouldn’t know a good snack if it marched in here and tasted like kettle corn. Popcorners are out of this world. Essentially popcorn that’s been flattened into a crunchy little chip, they are packed with flavor and a perfect crunch, and need to be in your pantry at all times. Give the Jalapeño Cheddar or Kettle Corn flavors a look if you’re just starting out. You’re welcome in advance.
Heavenly Orbs: Nectarines
Are they in season? It doesn’t matter. Get a time machine and go back in time to when nectarines were in season. They’re the best fruit.
Heavenly Nectar: Martinelli’s Apple Juice
When it comes to juice, apple isn’t always the flavor that springs to mind. Maybe you’re just waking up and you want an orange juice. Maybe you’re looking to mix it with alcohol and you want some cranberry juice. Maybe you’re a billionaire and you’re the only person alive who can afford pomegranate juice. Though you may not always think of apple juice, the geniuses at Martinelli’s are determined to change that. Martinelli’s A) comes in a tiny little apple-shaped container which is adorable, and B) also makes a sparkling version which is the literal best beverage in the galaxy.
The Chewy Dewies: Welch’s Fruit Snacks
As you peruse the fruit snacks aisle, you may be tantalized by fruit snacks in the shape of Minions or something dumb, but don’t let your imagination get the best of you. You want Welch’s and only Welch’s. They’ve got a phenomenal chew, and they’re not overly sweet. Truly the gold standard for fruit snacks, and we’re no strangers to putting away a whole box in a single sitting.
The Toastie Ghosties: Bagel Bites
You know the drill. Stick ‘em in the oven. Eat all 200 of them. Sleep for three days straight.
The Two Handers: Frigo Cheese Heads String Cheese
There are two types of people in this world. There are people that string their cheese, and then there are people who bite straight into them, like monsters from the underworld who need to be sent back to the nightmarish hellscape they crawled out of. Which one are you?
The Frying Saucers: Uncrustables
We all know that PB&J is a gold standard stoney snack. The fine people at Smucker’s know that children, like stoners, want to do the least amount of work possible. The Uncrustable is a sealed, crustless, UFO-shaped PB&J sandwich and if that doesn’t sound good to you, your fate is sealed. There’s no way to help you.
The Dark Horse Movie Watching Snack: Saltines
Saltines may seem boring. They may seem plain. They may seem uninspired. When was the last time you actually had one, though? Put your ego aside. Grab some Saltines, grab your choice of beverage (may we suggest a Martinelli’s Sparkling Apple Juice), grab a joint, grab your favorite movie, and good luck not eating the entire sleeve.
The Stereotype: Maruchan Beef Flavor Ramen
There have been a lot of under-the-radar picks on this list, but look, we don’t always have to reinvent the wheel. Ain’t no need to fix what isn’t broken. Instant ramen is Hall of Fame stoner food, and it can be absolutely perfect when the mood arises.
The DIYs: Lunchables
Have you just smoked three joints? Have you also just been inspired by three episodes of Chef’s Table? Do you long for a munchie that’s creative, a munchie that’s customizable, a munchie you can throw creative vision into? Does a normal cheese plate stress you out because you don’t know which stuff on the plate you’re supposed to pair each cheese with? Then Lunchables are for you!
The Shameless: Nutella
Grab a spoon. Dig in. You’ll be here for a while. Bonus points if you dunk some Snyder’s Pretzels in there.
The Great Lit-ish Bakeoff: Pillsbury Cinnamon Rolls
Sure, these guys require the ability to successfully bake something. The process of successfully operating an oven can definitely be advanced for anybody under the cozy blanket of Mary Jane, but the results are beyond worth it. A fresh, hot Pillsbury Cinnamon Roll is why the word “sublime” was created. And that icing? Good. Night.
The Trusty Classics: Pop-Tarts
First and foremost: if you eat unfrosted or untoasted Pop-Tarts, please see yourself out.
Now that we’re done with all that unpleasantness, let’s talk Tarts. It’s common fact that Brown Sugar Cinnamon and Strawberry are the two best flavors, but if you want to dip into any of the 500 other weird flavors that Pop-Tarts also makes, we’ll withhold judgment.
The Dual-Actions: Cereal
Eat it with milk, eat it without. The choice is yours. Which cereals are best, you ask? We got you covered right here.
The Infinity Gauntlet: Munchies Snack Mix
Really not a lot of ambiguity with this product right here. It’s called “Munchies”, for starters, and it’s clearly just designed for people who can’t make up their mind, since each pack contains Doritos, Cheetos, Rold Gold Pretzels, AND Sun Chips. The fine people behind Munchies know exactly who their demographic is and that is 100% cool with us. And do we even need to tell you to try their Flamin’ Hot variety as well?
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